Jimbo Paris Show #75- The Emotions Doctor (Dr. Ed Daube)

Hi, I'm Jimbo Paris, and you're listening to the Jimbo Paris show. All right, what's up, guys? This is Jimbo Paris here. Welcome to the Jimbo Paris show. And today we have Dr. Ed Daube. And he's basically an emotions doctor, a clinical psychologist and an Amazon Best Selling Author. And He's dedicated his life to just transforming people's lives. Let's hear what he has to say.

Hi, Jimbo, thank you for having me today.

Pleasure is all mine. So can you begin by telling me who you are, what you're about? And what's your messages?

Yeah. I'm Ed, Daube PhD. I'm a clinical psychologist. I spent 32 years working for the California Youth Authority in a correctional institution here in California. And when I got out of graduate school, this was my first and only job. When I got out of graduate school, I was working in a setting working with young women, all of whom had been abused emotionally, physically, sexually. And I was working training staff who were very jaded about dealing with emotions. And the language that I had when I got out of graduate school was here. And the language of both the the young ladies I was working with, and the staff were here, I had no way to communicate, yet I needed to work with them clinically, and I needed to train them. So I had to develop a way to do that. And I developed the idea of emotions as tools, I had to explain to these young women who did not know how to deal with feelings of anger, they were suicidal. And the staff also worked didn't know how to talk to the young women. So I gave them the notion of tools. Now, when you think of tools, you think of your cellphone, you think of the remote for your TV, you can think of any a sewing machine or a saw. And for the staff, it was their handcuffs, it was their batons, whatever it happened to be. So now I could talk to them about emotions, in the in the context of you need to understand what emotions are, why we have them, and how to strategically deploy them to work for you. So I did that for 32 years. When I finally retired about 15 years ago, I took a look at what was going on out in the real world. And folks don't understand what emotions are because we don't get told taught that they're not taught in school, you don't learn it anywhere. So what tends to happen is people tend to see their emotions as messy. They want to get rid of their emotions, because they think their emotions control them, they don't. So I wrote two books, I wrote my first book emotions is tools, which basically describes the whole model. And then I thought about and what's going on with this whole thing with anger, you see stories in the news about people blaming their anger for beating their girlfriends or beating their wives or doing dumb things. And then I wrote my second book, which was about all about anger. So I wrote the two books. And again, my goal was to educate people, because there was a, there was a gap, there was a lack in terms of helping other people understand what emotions were, and why we have them and how they work. And then I started a blog, which is the emotionsdoctor.com. And I have over 200 posts on that blog. It's a free blog, and I cover all kinds of topics, all emotions with the emotion cycle, our anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, all of that. And I have an index to all of my posts, which is on the home page. So you can access all of my posts now, by title, and by the post itself, and it's a one click access to each post. So now in retirement, I do podcasts and I still write to my blog. And again, the idea is to educate people because folks don't understand why they have emotions or how they work. And that is what I do in retirement now.

Excellent. And where did this passion come from?

Well, the passion came from the idea that I was trained as a psychologist and as a psychologist, my whole focus is to help people to help people learn about themselves to help people grow. And the idea was, how can I apply these skills in the best way and the most effective way? To help people in areas where they need to grow, and that was emotions. Now the interesting thing here is that I call myself the emotions doctor right now. But when I was in graduate school, I was basically the emotions avoider. When I was in graduate school in here in California, I had a my one of my neighbors of my family where I grew up, was working in a place called Henry Ohlhoff house in San Francisco. So I went up to him and I said, Can I sit in on the groups? These are for people who were alcoholics, they were drug addicts. I had no problem with either alcohol or with drugs. And he told me no. I said, Well, why not? He said, Well, I'll tell you what you can do. You can be a participant observer in those groups. And I thought, well, that's a piece of cake. Here I am. I'm PhD, I'm in graduate school, I won't have any problem at all. Well, Jimbo, it took them six months, took him six months, and they call me a non drinking alcoholic. And the reason they called me that was because, for me, I avoided my emotions. By going into my academics, they avoided their emotions by going into drinking, using drugs, I was basically the same as they, except I did it differently. And that basically was what opened my eyes to the whole issue of emotions. And then, of course, I started my first job, and I was writing the thick of emotions. And I kind of made it my life's work to help people understand what emotions are and why they have them. And that's kind of where the passion came from.

How did you understand them?

I began to take a look at what emotions are. And I thought saw them as tools. And this is how it works. By the way, let me explain. If you take a look, I have have young grand kids, I have one who's like one and I have one that says three. And they're born we all are, we're born with emotions. And we are constantly are hardwired to constantly scan our surroundings for threat this, we've done this since we lived in caves. So what happens is you're constantly scanning your environment. And when you perceive a threat, your amygdala automatically send you into what's called fight or flight. And you are set to unconsciously react to whatever the threat is that you perceive. It happens very fast. And that, by the way, is what leads us to believe that our emotions control us. They don't. So what happens is you you react emotionally. And then because now we have evolved, and we have the cortex, the thinking part of our brain, we now have the ability to assess the nature of the threat. So the way the emotion cycle should work is you perceive the unconsciously perceives a threat, you react, you then take a step back, which is to create physical safety. And you take a deep breath, which creates psychological distance. And now you can assess the nature of the threat and choose how you want to respond. That is the essence of emotional mastery. And that's what I write about. I teach people how to master their emotions as tools. And here's why. If you understand let's take anger, for example, the message of anger is that there is a threat that I perceive that I believe I am more powerful than the threat. And I can eliminate it by throwing enough force at it. Anger prepares you for war. So if you understand this, now, what you can do is you can say okay, if there is indeed a real threat, then I am going to go to battle and I'm going to eliminate the threat. But if there's no threat, I'm going to take a step back and I'm going to say wait a minute, no threat, no need for anger. So I'm going to choose a different way to respond to it. Now, for men, we're basically taught that we shouldn't experience a whole lot of emotions. If we as a young man, if we show sadness, we get put down for it. If we show anger, we say hey, that's manly, that's powerful. So what we tend to do is we tend to default to anger. Because we don't want to feel guilty. We don't want to feel shame. We don't want to feel sadness. Those are called so called negative emotions. They're not that's what they're called because they feel bad. So instead of feeling bad, we default to anger. And when we do that, we use anger as a secondary emotion. Now, the myth is that anger is always a secondary emotion and it's not because sometimes even we as men have a right to be angry. And we and that anger is genuine and it's real, and we need to act on it. But we need to learn the difference between when anger is genuine and valid. And when we're using it to cover over other emotions. Now for women, when women show anger, they tend to get put down for it. Men don't like to deal with angry women. Years and years ago, I went on to a LinkedIn website, and I went to a, it was a forum. And I said, Look, I'm a man. I want to know what happens when you as a woman expressing anger 2000 responses basically later, they said, as a woman, I can't express anger because I get called names, I get marginalized. I get demeaned can't do it. So what women tend to do is they tend to default to something like sadness, instead of expressing their anger. And what I'm saying to both men and women understand that your anger is often genuine, and you need to learn to express it. Now, sometimes, men can't Well, men can express their anger directly. Women may have to do it indirectly. Women may have to do it in a more passive sense. When that happens, they they keep their anger, they just don't express it. Because what's happening here in our society, Jimbo, is there a different display rules, the anger is the same. But men are allowed to display it women are not. Women can display sadness, men can't. And the challenge is that if we can't express it, we tend to look at it as as an invalid emotion, it's not. So men need to learn how to validate their sadness and express it. Women need to learn how to validate their anger, and learn how to express it. And that's what I teach. Here's a technique that I recommend to your viewers. In most cases, most of us are much better at giving advice to other people than we are giving advice to ourselves. I used to tell my students that I was much better at dealing with their their kids than I was with dealing with my own. The reason for that is because I have all this knowledge in my head. But when I deal with my own kids, I'm not dealing with them objectively. I'm dealing with them subjectively, and I got all these other emotions going on with my own kids, when I deal with your kids, I'm dealing with your kids objectively, and I can give you the the benefit of my knowledge. So here's how you deal with that. What you do is you take out a pad of paper or on your computer, however you want to do it. And then you say to yourself, Okay, you ask yourself the question that you're struggling with, how best how to how to what's the best way for me to deal with my anger, as if a friend of yours came to you and asked you that question. And then you write down all of the advice that you would give to your friend, and you need to write it down or type it in. And then what you do is you take that information that you wrote down or typed in, and you put it away for a week, or a couple of days, that timeframe is irrelevant. And then you take it back out, and then you read it, and then follow your own advice. And what happens when you do that is you're now tapping into your ability to give good advice, and most of us have it, but you're you're doing it with yourself, you're you're now able to take your own advice, and then you follow it. And that's often a good technique for tapping into what we know. And take and taking the taking us if you will, out of out of the picture. So if I'm giving you advice, I'm giving you the best advice I have, and I'm doing it objectively. So that's what I would suggest that your viewers do. They take a look at what their issues are. They attempt to educate themselves regarding the emotions. And then they give their advice to another person by writing it down or typing it in, and then follow their own advice. And sometimes, they may need professional help because they just can't deal with the issues. And I highly recommend seeing somebody professionally if you have to. There are some very good counselors out there. It's not weakness. If I have a problem with my car, what do I do I go to my mechanic and he fixes it. If I have a problem with my psychological issues, I may have to go to a psychologist or social worker and get help. Now that's not always the case. But if it is, get the help that you need, the help is out there.

That's great. You also deal with incarcerated young woman specialising in that, what have you learned?

Well, what I've learned there is is again that women are kind of getting the short end of the stick when it comes to emotions, if you will. Women are socialized to be caretakers. And it's unfortunate. And that was especially the case with these young women who were incarcerated. They I had at one point in my caseload, I had five young women, all of whom had killed their children. And I was totally unprepared for that. And so were they. And it wasn't like they were monsters. It wasn't like they set out to kill their children, it happened. So what they did was monstrous, but they were not monsters. And what they taught me is I needed to come up with a way to help them get past the barriers that had enclosed them in terms of their own socialization while growing up. That they taught me Jimbo as much as I taught them. Because again, when I got out of graduate school, I did not have the skill sets for dealing with these kinds of issues, I had to learn on the job. But because of that learning, it got me to the point where I am now, if you will, where I teach people about emotions, I probably would not have gotten where I am. I wouldn't without going through the trial by fire with these young incarcerated women. And the staff, by the way, who had to deal with these women. They taught me as well. So if I hadn't gone through that wouldn't have written my books and wouldn't be doing podcast now. It all worked out.

So when it comes to this, what I'm getting is you first go to the blogs, but more so on the books now. Okay, are the books sort of the advanced level?

The books are the beginning. And I'd say basically, the blog goes into much more detail. The books are, are fairly old now. But they're still they're just as relevant today as they were when I wrote them. And people access can access the information through the books, and that's great. Or they can access it through my blog. To be quite honest with you, I love selling books, I love people buying books, but the information on the blog is current, and there's much more information on the blog. So if people want to have the the hardcover books in their hands, please go buy the book. The few cents that I make in terms of royalty is great. However you access the information is important to me. But if you want a place to start, go to the blog, it's free. And you can access as much information as is there.

When it comes to the website, let's let's bring up the website quickly. And let's kind of run through a way to kind of navigate the blog.

Good idea. Perfect. Now, if you take a look where it says I don't know if you can see my pointer. Maybe you're not staring my screen, but right up there were the says index, click on index. Yeah, good. Now you see it says anger. Yeah. Okay, so what you've done now, those are the categories. So if you want to learn about anger, you click on anger. Scroll up. Those are all my posts on anger. That's perfect. So now you can pick one and click on that. And that will take you right to the post. Perfect, and then scroll up. There you are.

Excellent. Okay. And what do you think is the first post or anger you think someone should look at?

You know, that's that's a very good question. In terms of which post the first one at the top the message of anger, it is more than just a perception of threat. Okay, that explains what anger is and why they have it and how the whole process works. So it does, it does take a little bit of effort and a couple of clicks. And I suppose, you know, if I were a good web designer, I would design it more to be more effective or excuse me more efficient and easier, but that's the best I've been able to come up with. It's all there. And that's the way to access it. And if they want to know about the emotional process, they can just go to emotions as tools that's a category as well and then I'll talk about the emotional process. There it is managed mastering emotions as tools. Those are all the general articles. The emotions is tools marble, I would just start there.

this was basically everything we sort of missed.

It's all there.

Excellent. All right.

So that's what I suggest that your viewers do that they go to the website and just explore it. Just take a look and see what Article catches their fancy. And that's the best way to start.

Great, great.

And then they can educate themselves. There's the website. Excellent.

And, additionally, are there any final words you'd like to give to the audience right now?

Yeah, I would really encourage your audience to give themselves permission to feel not act on your feelings, necessarily, but to feel. And once you give yourself permission to feel, now you're in a position to then explore those feelings and learn about them. You don't have to avoid the feelings, the information is out there. In most cases, again, in most cases, the information that I made available to you will allow you to educate yourself, and get through the vast majority of situations that you're facing. For most people, professional help won't be needed. For some it will. And for those folks, professional help is available. But give yourself permission to feel. Educate yourself as to what those feelings are and why you have them and how to master them strategically. And then you will be in a position to use those feelings and move past them. That's the advice that I would give, the information is out there. It's available, it's free, take advantage of it. And if you want to buy the books, that's great, too. And many folks won't go to Amazon and buy it and that's fine. Get it on the blog. It doesn't matter. It's not critical to me, what's important to me is that you get the information and educate yourself. Do that, please, instead of letting your emotions take advantage of you, and you make dumb decisions you later regret. Get the information. It's there, educate yourself and master your emotions as strategic tools.

Excellent, excellent. All right. Thank you again, Dr. Daube. It's been a privilege.

Thank you for having me. Jimbo. I really appreciate it. It's been fun. All the best.

Excellent. So we have a few shout outs here. I would first like to give a shout out to Dark Joseph Ravine. He's an important person, especially to the business. He's from Canada. And he kind of helps to build people's businesses as a marketing agent. And he also works hard to empower other people's lives and take them out of the Dark Ravines as his name goes. And, again, gratitude, gratefulness, you need to appreciate what you have. He has definitely helped to push our show out there. Even though he's not a sponsor of our show, he's definitely up to push our content out there. And really give us the platform that we need. And then the next person is a special thanks to another sponsor, the 6 Figure University helping people to grow financially, to grow spiritually and to also conquer the goals that they have in life. And, again, if you want to learn the secrets to opening a salon, the secrets to improving in real estate, go to them, they know what to do. And then the final person, Judy Ryan are Lifework Systems affiliate and collaborative partner, great woman again, she goes out of her way to help improve businesses to improve the business infrastructure. And if you want to improve your business as well and your employee infrastructure, speak to this woman. And again, we have a new website today. It's life. It's amazing. And it's basically the Jimbo Paris show and we're a full on Roku channel. Now, all our Roku episodes are online. This one is going to be online as well on the Roku channel as well. And yeah, check us out on Roku too. Okay, great talk. So all right, I am Jimbo Paris. This is the Jimbo Paris show. Thank you again Dr. Daube. And is the show Thank you for listening to the Jimbo Paris show.